Miserable Monday # 21

This shall be for me

The most horrible Miserable Monday of all

So I shall say my piece, find sweet release

And go to my room and ball

-ME

Quote Johnbytheway - A friend is someone who makes it easier for you to reach your full potential. Happy people build, lift, encourage, and motivate, and being in their company always makes you want to be better too. -end quote I think for me being a friend like this would be more important then having a friend like this. Of course if you were a friend that builds, lifts, encourages and motivates you would have friends that were like this too. The best of both worlds.

Quote Johnbytheway- Bad company will take you to places you shouldn't be and tempt you to do things (and say) you shouldn't do. Then, after you have followed their plan of misery, you feel empty inside, and you wonder why you are miserable. -end quote I have been this friend, that is all I have to say.

So how do you transition from being one friend to being the other? I have a great friend that brought me a little light in this area. She explained her own transformation and how she felt like she hit a spiritual maturity before some of her friends and how hard it was for her. She didn't go into depth about it but it really gave me something to think about. What happens when being rudely silly, loud laughter and improper talk, movies and music begin to leave you feeling empty inside even if it is innocent comparably.

What happens when you have a true intent to become better but it leaves you looking like you are "stuck up" or "better then the rest of us"? What do you do? Do you ignore the spiritual tug? You want to change but what if changing means that you have to move on? The thing is that your friends are great people too and they have the same spiritual tugs you have. The problem is together you crossed lines that become hard to erase without affecting the friendship.

The story behind the questions........

I know the time line well. All three of us were having babies at the same time. It was so exciting and we were all there for each other as our babies began to enter the world. There was house cleaning, baby swooning, babysitting and all kinds of stuff that friends do for each other. On the flip side there were also sleepless nights, depression and other new mom things that keep you from being you.

My depression hit hard at about my seventh month of being pregnant. I never experienced depression before (I hope I never do again) and I was confused at what has happening. I couldn't handle everyday activity, disappointments and or challenges. I tried to ignore what was happening and just go on as normal. That didn't work so I tried to be a better person. Which made things much worse, when you are depressed thinking that you wouldn't be if you just became better, BAD IDEA.

At the hospital they give you a questionnaire to fill out before your baby is born. I read a little glanced at my husband in the husband chair, read some more, glanced some more, lied on the questionnaire A LOT and realized I was depressed.

After my baby was born I felt better long enough to notice that my family wasn't the same. Everyone gave me LOTS of space and were quite standoffish. All I wanted were hugs, loves and just be close to all of them. It seemed like I hadn't seen them in a long time and I was ready for my welcome home. It was not a good feeling and before long I slipped back into not being able to deal with the everyday.

When my baby was about three months old I decided to see my doctor. I explained many of my emotions, troubles and happenings and he agreed that I was going through depression. However because it began before my baby was born it wasn't necessarily Postpartum. He proceeded to tell me that he could start me on a medication and see how it goes and than increase or decrease the dosage. This is where I freaked out and said absolutely NOT, I was normal before I can become normal again.

The doctor proceeded to let me know that if this was my approach that in the mean time I needed to eliminate the things that may be making me feel this way and are difficult for me to undergo. Easy enough, so I thought. Matthew was having troubles at school and his gifted ILP was causing LOTS of anxiety so I let the ILP slide and MY LB took over the other school problems. I love my family and MY LB's family but there were things that happened prior to baby that hurt and I needed avoidance. MY LB took control of so many things and helped me get through this and if there was any way possible for him to take over my role in the friendship with these girls that I love I would have done it in a heart beat. Anything to avoid what happened next.

There were many things leading up to it (not going to mention any) but their was a crowning moment. A moment when I cried, vented, cried and MY LB said it's time. I didn't want to let go but I knew I had to. I wanted it be a moment of understanding when I told my friend and she just understood. Understood what? That I needed some space because being around her wasn't helping my depression. Who would understand that? I guess I knew she wouldn't and that is why I cried, A LOT. I guess I also knew in the process I would lose other friendships, which I did.

I tried everything I could to keep it from ending badly and than excepted defeat and moved on. I introverted myself (as much as possible) and the depression became easier to live with. My family became my extent of close friendship, which has been a huge blessing in our home. And finally when my baby was about eight months old my body returned to normal girl routine and everything just began to fall back into place. I am me again!

I know I have shared this story before but I wanted to put an emphasis on friendship this time. How I lost good friends. I don't blame the depression, I blame the lack of spirituality within our friendship. If we would have been more careful to become the friends that; build, lift, encourage and motivate we would have built a friendship that was eternal and everlasting. I do believe that those are the only friendships that can withstand the test of time.

If I could have a do over I would want my friends to know that I would be better. I would be less improper, less rudely silly, and avoid the loud laughter and I would be more, encouraging and motivating. I would be the kind of friend to them that would withstand the test of time. The kind of friend they both deserve. The kind of friend we all deserve.